I just pynch a tree in the face
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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