You can't special order awesome
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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