I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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