im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
