I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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