You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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