everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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