He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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