The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
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