we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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