Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
