I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
