If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
