We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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