i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
