I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
