I accidentally had phone sex last night
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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