I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
