She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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