i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
