God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
