Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
