we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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