I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
