my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
