you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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