I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
