I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
