I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
