Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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