I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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