She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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