People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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