I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
