why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
