you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
