I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
