Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Walk of Shame today included voting.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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