some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize
