Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Two words: nipple clamps
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