pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
