I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
