I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
