I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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