In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
