the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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