Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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