I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
