i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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