The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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