Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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